Anything de facto, or ex de facto related, including relationships, separation, division of assets, child custody and the mutlitude of other issues, questions and experiences that ex de facto mums experience.
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By col007
#6184
Hey there,

Ensure you get some advice about domestic violence and also ensure that you have plenty of family and friends supporting you, it is a rough ride... it's all about grief and loss and not just for you but for your children too.

My advice, get some counselling first and start making plans in order of priority... there is a lot of information to process in relation to parenting plans/ shared care and financial settlements etc. It's important that you do this to put yourself and your children in the best position both now and in the future. Definitely get some legal advice before you leave... see if you are eligible for legal aid.

If you or any other member of this forum is on the central sunshine coast (maroochydore area or caloundra area) there are 2 facebook groups you can join which have been created for Mum's just like all of you, shy and in need of emotional support, and friends in the same situation that can band together to help look after ourselves and our children.

I really do hope that this helps some of you lovely ladies.

we all really do need each other so lets all try to be there for each other :D
Last edited by Forum Administrator on Mon Sep 12, 2011 8:09 am, edited 1 time in total. Reason: Link to group removed - Father's rights group that has repeatedly refused to communicate with Forum Admin. Unapproved links are discouraged in the forum
By lilmama
#6185
Hi,

My ex was violent AND an alcoholic so I know what you’re going through. The binge drinking and always, ALWAYS getting into some sort of trouble with the Police, friends, family etc. I used to dread coming home because either he wouldn’t be there (and therefore out getting smashed) or he would be there smashed or he would be there angry. When he wasn’t drinking, he was worse because he would do nothing but complain about it. Oddly enough, after he got in trouble and had sobered up, it was a nice time because he’d be all apologetic. I still resented him though.

I would highly recommend going along to an al-anon meeting in your area. This is a group of family and friends of alcoholics and even if you’re shy and just want to check it out, you can. Theres no pressure. People tell their stories and at the end of it, you’re so exhausted because you can relate to every single word that they say. I went to a few meetings myself and found it enlightening.

I think the most important thing you’ve decided here is that you’re not going to enable his behaviour anymore – which you may not even be aware that you’re doing, I certainly wasn’t. I wouldn’t suggest telling him that you’re leaving, only people you trust completely – and really plan out how you will leave and what it is that you want, what it is he is likely to want after you leave and who else influences him because you will have to contend with all of this. Get some legal advice from Women’s Legal at some stage.

Is he likely to want to have anything to do with the kids after you leave?
By samantha79
#6187
Hi
Thanks for all your replies it has cheered me up knowing that Im not alone. In reading your posts is like your reading my mind.
Unfortunatly or fortunatley (which ever way you look at it) he is a great father most of the time and my kids adore him, he takes the kids to the park and swimming lessons ect and he also wont settle for anything less that shared custody 50/50 so thats kinda why its so hard to seperate. One half of me says its too hard and the kids will be tramatised somehow by living one week on and one week off at each house ect. But as the days and months go on I just get more miserable and more alone and resent him more. I feel like I have so much hatred inside me that its starting to effect me as a person and I know Ill be better off without him and it would be much easier if he was a shit parent.
By lilmama
#6188
Courts rarely order 50/50 so he has better chances of getting 50/50 only if you agree to it.

Also, does he have a history with the cops? eg Drunk and Disorderly?

The best he could hope for is every second weekend and 1 weeknight for dinner only and half school holidays and thats if he cleans up his act - which he wont. Not for a long time. So dont think that you leaving will be the silver bullet to his illness. It wont be, if anything, he'll get worse because effectively, theres no one there to answer to.

When it comes down to it - you have to do what you have to do. You and your kids have a life too and I know how painful it is coming home to this day after day, wondering if the grass is greener on the otherside and it feels like no one else is experiencing what you're going through - and the fact of the matter is, yes it is greener.. it will be a struggle in the short term, but long term, this is a break for yourself and your kids. They're young and impressionable. A lot of kids that grow up with alcoholic parents will grow up to be alcoholics themselves if exposed to it long enough. Thats why I made the decision to cut n' run. There isnt anything I would've changed about that decision, maybe just the fact that I should have done it sooner.

Please post any questions you may have on here.. we're always more then happy to help out a fellow single mum.
By Lisamc
#6294
Hi, I feel I can really relate to your situation. I am 27 with two gorgeous kids, my daughter is 2 almost 3 and my son just 1. I am only very recently separated from my ex. Our relationship started to turn pear shaped after my ex wanted to buy his own business when I was 6 months preg with our son. I was concerned for our relationship and family life but he really wanted to give this business thing a go so I tried to be supportive as possible until the business took priority over our relationship and family life. I was also struggling with a new born and toddler and started feeling like a sinlge parent. I decided to speak up. I told him how I was feeling and that I wanted us to make time for us occasionally. He took this as me being needy. Almost one year on and the problems have only escalated. I have been so unhappy and felt so unsupported by him. It saddens me to think how unhappy I have been for the first year of my sons life. I have now become very resentful toward my ex that we now argue all the time. He has even become verbally abusive and has threatened to take the children away from me although there have been no grounds for him to do so. He has acknowledge he needs to get some help for anger issues but he had me so frightened that I seeked an intervention order not long ago but I have not followed through with it as he has calmed down. He told me just last night that he no longer loves me and wants to separate for good. He wants to sell the house, then he wants to buy me out. And while he is not staying in our house he wants me to pay full repayments.I returned to part time work when my son turned 6 months old as. I don't know wether to involve solicitors or not. I don't want to risk making things any harder than they already are. My daughter is showing signs of being affected by all this. I just feel so awful for my children. They are the only thing keeping me together( just by a thread!). I love them so much and don't want them to be hurt by all this. Now I have to start over again. Has anyone gone through something similar?