[2tired]

I watched years of abuse, and cheating between my parents. My father beat my mother many times, she often had black eyes, once she was dragged down the road by the car.

I pleaded with my parents to separate, move on and be happy. But neither would end the cycle until I was 14, then my brother and I went with mum, and my sister went with dad. The back and forth was hell, my dad would always call my mum a whore to us and ask how many men the slut is fucking at the moment.

At 16 I started dating a boy, 6 months later I was pregnant and moved out of home. Where the same cycle began again, I was beaten manipulated but thought this was the best I could ever hope for, I felt it my destiny my heritage and the only way I deserved to be treated.

At 19 I tried to leave with our child (pregnant again), but after a severe beating and being choked till I passed out I was too scared. He then began holding me daily caressing me telling me he would hunt me down if I ever leave, I would wish for death once he was done with me- then going into extreme detail how I would be tortured.

It was only at 22 I found courage to leave, by then he had a new gf (affair) he let me go with little fuss.

My greatest fear for any and all children growing up watching abuse then continuing being subject to high stress and no real steady home is the cycle starting again.

[ruthie]

This is such a powerful witness, thank you for posting it. Oh my goodness, how deeply we scar our children when we let them witness abuse! Terrifying.

[purry]

Your post has touched me quite profoundly as I too spent a childhood helplessly watching abuse unfolding every night.

The suffering you endured by you is huge. You need to take some time to heal for your sake and your children's sake.

The message I have taken from your post was defined so clearly from your life, the cycle of abusive behaviour is real and affects men and woman differently.

My brother chose not to follow exactly like my father but managed to create a different type of suffering with anxiety and passive behaviours. Unfortunately for me I chose a man very similiar to my father but worse.

It took me a long time to break away from my ex's pull, despite all his abusive traits I let him back in many times because it felt comforting at first and I felt like I was providing a family for my child also.
This was never the case, he lied about everything and I believed him for the sake of wanting to!

To this day there is a sad part of me that wants him back, but I have managed to ignore it and get past that now, the more I have sought help and find people with similiar stories, the more strength it has given me to be confident with myself and my abilities to be a loving mum.

It can make you feel very much alone and completely isolated, as unless you have experienced domestic violence, its hard for others to understand.

Men that abuse women only want to control and make themselves feel better as you know they are suffering themselves but being male refuse to admit this and continue to repeat the same old stuff their entire lives.

Im greatful for this awareness now ,but I do worry about my child being influenced and manipulated by her father in the future. As mothers I guess the best thing we can do is not repeat this with someone else! and give our children a strong foundation of love and support on which to grow and hopefully not make the same hard choices we may have made.

[Angels3]

I too grew up in a household of violence. My Father was a violent alcoholic, verbally abusive, controlling and nasty especially towards my Mother. It has scarred all three of us. My sister overdosed on drugs at 25, my brother is a depressed violent, negative heavy drinker and I chose a husband emotionally , verbally and psychologically abusive. I had educated myself with a degree, travelled the world,and did every self development course I could find for 17 years, was fiercely independent and strong until I was 37 BUT I still fell into the trap. I went back into my 'default mode'. I now fear that unless I totally resolve it properly my children will follow the same pattern.

[purry]

Hi Angels3,

the pattern/cycle of abuse is hard to break, as its part of who we are. especially when you grow up witnessing such behaviour, it is impossible not to be affected.

The one author I have found truly inspiring to understand and give you the answers or peace you may be looking for is a dude Eckhart Tolle. He's a spirtual dude but nothing about religion as such, just looks at life in a different way to most.
He talks about the pain body in brief terms everybody has it, some more than others, essentially its an association with emotional pain, so much so that you feel comfortable (underneath)and find comfort when your around it, as its like being home again!

Eckhart Tolle pointed out that people dont fall in love, but there pain bodies do! this for me is so true with my ex. of course there are other things that make you attracted to someone, but underneath for myself I was quite vunerable and easily led at one stage in my life, and that was what my ex could use. And when we fought that just increased our attachment and my longing to believe his lies and I convinced myself to believe it all!
The best thing I ever did was to believe in me more than him. From that moment on I was free from his pull.
Dont get me wrong he still trys to manipulate and threaten me, but I know now its all a big bluff,and its so clear the game he's playing, as it never changes!
I am glad that ive had these experiences as they have made me look at myself and my own negative behaviours mirrored to me by my own child, as its given me the chance to change my way of thinking and behaviour.
Thoughts = Actions = Destiny
take care