Falling in love again - Anything to do with relationships, meeting someone special, dating, comparing romance websites...you name it!
By abitjaded
#14177
Well here it goes:)
So I thought Id never trust or look another man for the rest of my life. I was angry and very hurt by my husband and every other man Ive ever dated prior to getting engaged-married, and then being left to raise a toddler with little help.
So I guess Im at the tail end of that grieving process now and I have started seeing a nice Australian Asian guy who is a divorcee and a father to little ones.
I have many friends over the years from many different cultures but never have spoken about inter-dating if thats the term to use.
Obviously I still have some issues regarding trust etc...(hence him saying that he feels his being punished for the way other men have treated me in the past)
So I cant figure out if his a really nice genuine guy or just a really good player?
As I have never dated a Asian man before its all new to me?
Its only been 6 weeks and we live a 1 hour apart and he travels down twice a week to visit for dinner before returning home for work the next day,he rings me twice during the day and maybe twice again after work which some calls can be hours (for once Im not doing all the talking lol)
But he seems very committed to helping out family and friends when needed. Traditionally you cant say straight 'no' or 'maybe', but his very "Occa":)
He has met my mother on a couple of occasions and has bought her chocolates etc.. for looking after my little one when we have gone out. So his not avoiding meeting my family, he takes interest when I talk about my family and remembers everything.
But I havent met anyone in his family, he has mentioned that they getting curious about the girl his seeing??
He has said lets not rush the relationship as obviously that hasnt worked for me in my previous relationships which is true, and that when he does take me home that he wants to be a 100% certain about the relationship.
Tradition is the his mother lives with the youngest son which is him, when his ex left she did really hurt him and his family (shes of Mediterranean background)
I did let this eat me up a for a little while only seeing him briefly twice a week and decided just to go with the the flow.
He does continually talk about the future 'if's' (I have pulled him up on this a couple of times about this about getting expectations up)he said his just making sure we are on the same page as he doesnt like wasting time which is fair enough Im sure alot of people feel the same.
He is amazing with my little guy, when he leaves theres always lots of tears :(
In 6 weeks he has made so many positive changes to my life that I had not achieved in the 12 months since I left my martial home. My unit is finally in order, little one is finally 2 and in childcare so Im looking for work, Im coping better when I do see my ex (still angry with him,we dont talk no eye contact),Im making a effort to get up and do my hair and makeup and look good, generally feeling alot happier.
Can anyone shed some light on the dating thing? :)
By Mum22
#14186
Sounds to me that you are wanting to pursue this relationship, but with obvious caution. I can only agree with you.
I remember once years ago I briefly dated a geek boy - when he took me to his home to meet his mother she gawped at me an stated "so you are going to marry my boy then?" FFS? I'd only been seeing him for a few weeks! So cross-cultural r/ships Can be tricky, and you are quite right to want to take things slowly. Also post-divorce r/ships are tricky, with children involved, so also wise to go slow and exercise caution.
He has also been through a break-up? then he also has baggage and hang-ups that will need to be dealt with. IF he says to you he feels that you are punishing him for all the past men in your life - let him know gently that you are trying to not repeat any mistakes that you made, but are understandably wary - and in time, you hope to be more relaxed as the trust grows.
Let's face it- 6 weeks is a very short time-frame and if he is getting antsy now, see how it plays out. IF he is genuine, he will want to impress you and make things nice. and please please please don't get pregnant by accident in the first few months...have fun, but be careful! I think you are on the right rack - slow and steady wins the rac, no pun intended!
By abitjaded
#14194
I like this guy but time is a issue with him - family, his children,work etc...
True that Ive rushed into things in the past and obviously they havent worked out hence now divorced with a toddler.
I can understand that he was married a long time and wants to bring the right person into his and his families life.
But if things continue go this slow i cant see this friendship/relationship making it to xmas as much as don't want to admit. He does drive nearly more than then a hour twice a week to come and visit but its always after work and only for a couple of hours. He says that he wouldnt drive all his way if he didnt like me.
My weekends are spent alone with my toddler so nothing has changed on that front, I feel very alone most of the time.
He has made alot of positive changes to my life in the time that I have known him and Im grateful for that.
Anyway maybe I just shouldn't put all my eggs into one basket and just get on with it.
By abitjaded
#14204
Well I've really and truly stuffed it.
I'm a mess, this gentlemen was the one thing that helped me start to make sense of my life and give me a kick start and a push in the right direction. And I pushed and pushed, even a tolerant person has a breaking point.
I know its hard to try and keep your child and your personal life, but he even made a difference in toddlers life who started to show me affection because of this man. I found them one night laying on the balcony one night looking at the stars and the moon, was a beautiful sight my heart skipped a beat:)
Heart sinks every time my toddler asks for him morning and night, toddler stands on top step when we are going out and points a the door saying his name thinking his coming the stairs:(
I actually feel physically sick, even when my ex husband left I didnt feel like this maybe beacause I knew it was over and I had been fighting to keep it going for a long time.
I would do anything to take back the things I said last Sunday night they werent nasty but just up front maybe just a little hurtful to a nice person.
He would joke and say he liked everything else bar the crazy thoughts:) Im a overthinker:(
I know his hurting too, I can hear it in his voice.
Ive asked him to forgive me, He said he could not.(I wont go into too much detail, so not to incriminate myself or anyone else)
I know he cares, but if someone cares enough about you how can they walk away so easy.
I know that Im a little broken, but his hugs made it better Ive been able to cope alot better with my ex because of this man. Ive never had anyone ever look at me the way he did not even my ex-husband.
Why is it people walk away when you need them the must, I would never do that to someone I loved and cared for if needed:(
I seriously need to take a good look at my life, I lost myself in my marriage and I was just starting to do things that I liked again. Music in the house and ride my bike, and started doing my hair and makeup again.
Good things were starting to happen to me because of him.
I just feel so sick.
By Mum22
#14205
You have a of of pent-up self talk which causes you to act sometimes irrationally. We all do that, to a degree.

Now, I want you to take a really good look at what you have written about the positive changes in your life since this man came along.

NOW, realise that YOU made these changes, YOU implemented new and different routines, YOU have done things that have lifted the spirits of you & your toddler.
The new man may have been a catalyst, but it has been YOU that did the work, had the motivation and kept it going.
As nice as this man is, if he meant to be in your life, it will happen somehow. Emotions can be raw, feelings get hurt and confusing, but eventually things pan out one way or another.

I hate to use a corny phrase, but perhaps this guy was merely that rebound relationship that you needed to WAKE up to life again.

SO in the absence of this man, or any other, YOU can do what you must to make positive changes in your life.

You child is a toddler now, but is growing, and will demand more stimulation from you & the world around, and you WILL find yourself doing things, being creative, finding ways to achieve things that right now you cannot imagine doing. It IS going to happen in your life.

Know this - YOU have in you, all that you need to move forward from this point and to grow as a person, and to do better, little by little, you WILL grow and do better and at some point, you will realise that you ARE better. Life is a journey to be lived. Trust me on this.

You child will demand it of you and you will deliver. I know this.
You don't have to believe it, just yet, but please have a little faith in that fact that you have inside you all that you need to survive and thrive in this world.